Dear Angela,
I remember I was just nine-years-old (9 years) when I was raped by my ‘uncle’ and this continued until I turned 12. I said ‘uncle’ because he was a friend of the family and my parents trusted him.
I couldn’t tell anyone because he keeps threatening to kill me if I mentioned it to anyone. However, when I turned 12, my aunt (mum’s younger sister) came to spend some days with us and one of such days, she noticed that with so much anger and hatred in my voice I was screaming “Pick up that knife and stab him. They are all animals,” as they showed a man trying to rape a young girl in a movie.
She told me it’s only a movie that I shouldn’t give it too much attention. But I broke down. “What is it Agnes? Why are you crying?” she asked. Then I opened up and she was shocked. She immediately told my parents, they called the ‘uncle’ and asked him why he betrayed their trust. They then gave him a stern warning never to come to our house or near any of the family members. He pleaded for forgiveness but of course, the harm has already been done.
What about me? They did nothing to help me overcome the emotional trauma. Sometimes, I had this strong sexual urge which wasn’t easy for me at all. At a point I started masturbating to keep my sanity. Also, as a growing girl who loves God, I prayed to God to help me overcome all the crazy thoughts that came to my head. I became a very active teenager in church working for God. I joined the teen’s choir; go to church every Saturday to help clean the church while I also cry to God to help me. And the truth is that the sexual urges, masturbation and crazy thoughts stopped.
All these years I dedicated my life to God. However, I got married about four months ago and I can count how many times I have allowed my husband make love to me. The truth is that whenever he touches me, I feel irritated, scared and the continuous rape memory plays out in my head. Even when I allow him, I feel pains. Severally, he has asked me what the matter is but I keep telling him nothing was the matter. I have been denying him his conjugal rights and this hurts me a lot even though he doesn’t really complain. I know my husband loves me so much, but, I don’t want him to get tired of my behavior and start an extra marital affair. I don’t want to lose him. What do I do?
Agnes
Dear Agnes,
Being raped is one of the most painful and unforgettable memory a girl can live with. Recovering from rape is possible but it takes time, conscious effort as well as continuing to strive afterwards.
Nobody prays to be raped but if you have been unfortunate to experience it, you should know that rape is not the end of your sex life and total well-being.
Rape has different negative effects on its victims and to help recover; you need to go through therapy if you don’t want to lose your husband. You need therapy since you have flashbacks of the rape, you have unexplainable fear or anxiety, fear of your partner and changes in your sexual responses such as lack of interest in sex, painful intercourse and so on.
I advise you open up to your husband so that you can both look for solutions together like seeing a therapist, counselor, psychologist or attending couple therapy sessions so that you and your partner can work through the rape’s effects on your relationship.
Since you said he loves you so much and you are also scared of losing him to another woman, please open up to him so that he can help and support you through it all both physically and emotionally.
But most importantly, spend time with family and friends who make you feel good about yourself. Also, love yourself. Self-love is key. All the best!
She sincerely needs your advice. So please read and leave your advice in the comment box below.
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